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Tina Boehm describes her recent experience at the Anger, Boundaries and Safety program. Tina is a registrar at The Haven. The program is next offered November 25-28. I have been struggling to come up with a few lines which capture the essence of the recent Anger, Boundaries and Safety program I took at The Haven. It is not an easy task. The intensive, three-day program is packed full of useful information, exercises, take home tools and opportunities for the healthy expression of anger, resulting in a truly transformational experience. Through this program, I developed a new relationship with, and fresh appreciation for the safe and appropriate expression of anger, particularly in my own life. Essentially, the program teaches that anger, when expressed in a boundaried, safe way is self-affirming, necessary and natural. Indeed, if expressed responsibly it can bring us closer to people rather than alienate them. Violence, on the other hand, which encroaches on other people’s and our own boundaries and safety, is never acceptable. Knowing the difference between the two is the cornerstone of this program, and essential learning for everybody. The program was led by Greg Gurel, a man of exceptional heart and talent. He has put his own unique stamp on this program which was developed and led originally by Joann Peterson. Jan Frison has been a long-time assistant in the program, and brings her own skill, extensive experience and big-hearted vulnerability to the group and to working with Greg. Greg started by asking us all to identify words and feelings which we initially associate with anger. We came up with a host of adjectives, all of which had negative, uncomfortable connotations. At the end of the program, the same exercise was repeated and a whole different lexicon applied. Powerful, proactive words which we commonly associate with self-responsibility, vitality, energy and choice exemplified how far we had all come in understanding and accepting this natural life force. Greg’s constant reiteration of the distinction between anger and violence and his insistence on safe, boundaried expression allowed us all to become more aware of and comfortable with our own anger. This allows for a more authentic expression of self. During the program I had many opportunities to examine and challenge my own relationship with anger. Identifying and expressing it does not come easily or naturally to me. As a child, I was not encouraged to articulate my feelings or express my emotions, particularly angry ones. Safety for me meant keeping my mouth shut and keeping antagonists at bay. I didn’t realize that by denying or suppressing my own anger, I was actually turning it against myself. Now, after taking this program, I commit to owning and taking responsibility for all of my feelings, not just the “good” ones, and to step forward and communicate who I am, and what my preferences and boundaries are. With that ownership and awareness comes choice, the choice to reveal, or to stay closed. It is in the discernment and choosing and revealing that I come home to myself, and engage more honestly with others. Susan Clarke first published this tribute to Dianne Anderson on her own blog. Dianne passed away on August 9 and will be hugely missed by many people. Today my good friend Dianne passed away. I got a call about her death just after finishing a yoga class. I cried, laughed, cried and laughed. I wondered about my response, judging myself for feeling such joy and laughter just after hearing she had died. But as I sat and started thinking about Dianne and our many moments together I knew that really the tears were just for me knowing I would miss my friend and the laughter was my joy that she was free at last. Of course I am sad that Dianne is gone and I will miss her laughter and physical presence the next time I am at The Haven for a Come Alive or any other program. However, Dianne has been struggling in her physical body for a long time and today I had a moment when I thought for sure I could hear her laughing and playing somewhere out there; as light as a feather and without a care in the world.  This recent photo of Dianne comes from her friend Linda Nicholls. For me, Dianne was such an interesting person. She in many ways was one of the most grounded, direct and straight-shooting people I have known. I could call her up and start telling her some saga in my life and she could quickly call me on all the many blocks and screens I might toss out there to avoid looking at my own stuff. She could do that with me and she could do that with pretty much anyone who showed up in a group, defended, resistant or overly self-involved. There she was, this over-weight, quite unhealthy woman, who was brilliant with group process and making contact with those folks who most would have given up on. Even the last time I saw her and she wasn’t even able to get out of her chair, I found myself just loving talking with her. It was easy to connect. Sure I was annoyed that she never took care of her own health and that she loved reading much more than walking. I was furious that she would eat cake and too much food yet I still loved Dianne. Her body was always a paradox for me. There she was doing just about everything she could to kill herself and yet her inner world, her spirit was something truly special, a gift for all who were willing to deal with the paradox and get to know Dianne in spite of the war-zone that represented her body. Even as I write this I feel badly saying negative things about her body. However, that’s just it – she was such a paradox. I loved her deeply and over the years wrestled with how to stay connected even though I had judgments and didn’t like the way she took care of herself. Still I loved it when she was in a group with me either as a participant, an assistant or a leader. I loved working with her. She could be brilliant and many, many times she reminded me why I loved The Haven, the work and what really mattered. Dianne was the essence of the Velveteen Rabbit – she was worn and torn, the stuffing was coming out but she was REAL and she was LOVED!! Today I imagine much like the story of The Velveteen Rabbit – Dianne is able to jump, leap and let her spirit soar!! By Edward M. Marshall, Ph.D. This article was first published in Shen in 2005. Maria Gomori is teaching Journey to Self and Family Reconstruction at The Haven this summer and celebrating her 90th birthday with us on August 28.  Maria Gomori Her name is Maria Gomori, an 85-year-old icon of the marriage and family therapy community, a colleague of Virginia Satir’s, a refugee from the Hungarian Revolution in 1956, and a teacher of thousands in the United States, Europe, Hong Kong and other countries in the Far East. She is truly a living treasure and a gift to us all, and she brings her lessons of courage to our relationships at work, at home, and in our communities. We had all gathered at a university near Toronto to hold the annual conference of Avanta, which brought together family therapy and organizational development experts from around the world – people who practice Virginia Satir’s approach to transforming human relationships and organizations. When I first connected with Maria in a group experience, what I saw in her eyes was the depth and wisdom of a century. Here was a woman who knew about human suffering … and about human healing. It did not take long for me to appreciate how special she is. Later in the conference, Maria took it upon herself to work on a very critical relationship within the organization, and to do so in front of her colleagues and friends. It was an extremely difficult situation. But her actions were ones of profound courage. She had made a decision to face her own issues and to transcend them for the good of the relationship and the organization. For an hour I sat spellbound, watching Maria engage her colleague, tell her truth, and listen with respect to her colleague’s truth. I was struck by the enormity of what I was witnessing. Never before had I seen such courage, such faith in human nature, such ability to walk the talk. She didn’t just talk about resolving a deep difference; she just did it. And the result was one of healing and reconciliation. Continue reading Lessons in Courage: Maria Gomori → Greetings from The Haven garden. Well it’s mid July, the wisteria blooms are long gone. The lawns are drying up and turning a lovely tan colour. We don’t water lawns at The Haven so they go dormant now and will be lovely and green again when the Fall rains come. Letting the lawns go for the summer works well to keep the Canada goose mess from happening, as it is the greens they love on the golf courses.  Don in the garden, July 2010 The California poppies and the Shasta daisies are vibrant now, both weedy plants and very welcome at this dry time of the year. Also the Spanish Broom (not Scotch Broom) are beautiful with bloom and have the most wonderful scent. The much loved Trumpet Vine on the front of the Lodge is in full bloom and the mud-wasps, which I only see when the Trumpet is blooming, are here. The deer are back now and have had their way with the foliage on the Bear’s Breech and many of my other babies. I was fortunate to participate in a program a few weeks ago called Creative Connections. It was three days of wonderful workshops, beginning with Eric Bibb, day two with Jock McKeen being very creative in a very creative Jock way. Day 3, an acting workshop with Jane Geesman and Sarah Lucht (leaders of Act Natural). I was terrified going in and ended up having a wonderful time! On the final morning, Gary Dillon and I led a closing ceremony in which I talked a bit about my spiritual connection with the land and the people here at The Haven. Gary performed a beautiful spiritual Hawaiian ceremony to do with planting metaphorical seeds of spirit, energy and creativity. The participants ended up by planting small plants in some beautiful planters which now live along the new ramp at the hot tub deck. I’m also very happy to have a beautiful new bench in the garden (you can see it in the photo just behind me), created out of Gabriola beach driftwood by local artist Gus Lund, and kindly donated by Sue and Aubrey Muirhead. Now it is time for me to get at clearing up the arbutus leaves which the incessant winds of the last few days have strewn all over the property. Believe me, broad-leaf evergreen does not mean evergreen, only that last year’s leaves won’t fall until this year’s leaves are mature, and fall they will! Bye for now Don Mattson By Cathy McNally Personal Alchemy: The Art of Satir Family Reconstruction by Maria Gomori with Eleanor Adaskin is available from The Haven store. Over the 20 years I have known Maria Gomori, she has often reflected on how challenging it would be to write a book that does justice to the magical process of Satir Family Reconstruction. After reading Personal Alchemy: The Art of Satir Family Reconstruction, I believe she has more than met this challenge, with the assistance of Eleanor Adaskin and the fine editing of Toby Macklin. The title of the book, Maria explains, is a ‘polite version’ of Virginia Satir’s belief in the human capacity to ‘turn shit into gold’!
As I picked up the book my first wondering was: who is it for – individuals interested in the work of Satir? Beginner practitioners? Seasoned practitioners, polishing their technique? Though it seems this book best serves those interested in learning and improving their use of Family Reconstruction techniques, I am pleased to report that it serves many other interests as well! Continue reading Personal Alchemy: Pure Gold → By Gwen Ewan. This is the first in an occasional series about members of The Haven faculty. Denise is leading five sessions of Kids in the Spotlight back to back in July. Denise Goldbeck leads Kids in the Spotlight – an immensely popular program for children, now in its 23rd year. She graduated from the Haven training program with a Diploma in Counselling in 1997 and is currently working on a PhD in Developmental Psychology at Simon Fraser University.  Denise Goldbeck Some of that talent in directing others had been developed under the eye of a grade-five school teacher who gave Denise 10 minutes every Friday afternoon to present a skit that she had written, with other children in various roles. Denise carried on these skits at school for several years. She has no idea how the teacher came to the idea that this would be important to her. Denise describes this as “pure self expression” and her subsequent theatre training and work has primarily been in a self-expression style. Denise reports that as a young woman she was working in theatre (she had a stable of characters that she had created and presented) and had a day job as a heavy duty diesel mechanic. Then she developed rheumatoid arthritis in response to a rubella vaccination. Out of her search for a new lifestyle and alternative healing methods she did two things. The first was to move to the Charlottes to teach ballet and mount theatre productions including a family theatre group that she created and for whom she choreographed, produced, designed costumes and directed musicals. These musicals had casts of up to 80 people of a wide variety of ages. The cast, the audience, and Denise, loved it. Continue reading Faculty Profile: Denise Goldbeck → News from Don Mattson, The Haven’s gardener Spring finally arrived and has been fast and furious. The white Wisteria at the Lodge entrance has just finished its bloom and was very beautiful; the Wisteria loves a hard pruning in the fall.
For those who were here for Phase I in May, the Robins we watched from eggs to babies are already grown and gone, all four survived and are busy catching their own worms in the garden. The orange ‘Oriental’ poppies are in full bloom now, and those few very special red ones are glorious as ever. We have had a lot of rain this spring so everything is lush and green and in need of some sun now to gain some strength. We are having an early show of mushrooms in the forest; I believe it is due to a fairly dry, mild winter and a cool wet spring. The deer have been off in the forest having their young so I have had a reprieve; however, they are coming back now and bringing the new generation with them. I have learned not to frustrate myself so much with them and we live quite comfortably sharing the property. I do still use a very simple deer resistant recipe at this time of the year on the sword ferns and a few other plants. I have found it really works to keep the deer from eating the new fiddleheads on the ferns, which ruins the shape for the rest of the season. Recipe for Deer Repellant 1 egg yolk Separate the yolk from the white of the egg. Whisk the yolk with a bit of the water and strain through a kitchen strainer; otherwise your sprayer will clog up. Add Baking Powder to egg and water and pour into a sprayer and shake well. Spray onto leaves of plants. The egg is the binder (glue) which keeps the Baking Powder on the leaves and the deer hate the taste of the Baking Powder. Apply about once every 10 days in the spring. Stay connected – Don Eric Bibb will be giving a workshop and concert as part of Creative Connections June 16–19 at The Haven. Creative Connections also features Haven founders Jock McKeen and Bennet Wong, Jane Geesman and Sarah Lucht (read about their work here), Gary Dillon and Don Mattson. Join us to explore your creativity and enjoy the pleasure of connection and learning! How understanding discoveries in neurology can help treat and prevent chronic pain right now. by Paul Ingraham.
Pain is not just a message from injured tissues, but a complex experience that is thoroughly tuned by your brain. These not-so-recent discoveries about the physiology of pain have been painfully slow to reach the public, or even health professionals. This knowledge is useful and needs to be shared. Professionals need it so that they can retreat from some unfortunate old attitudes about pain problems (“if I don’t understand it, it must be all in your head”). Patients with chronic pain need the reassuring perspective, and the real therapeutic effects of greater confidence and mental health. I can hardly imagine a better argument that to “come alive” has impressive health benefits. The personal development work done by Haven workshop participants integrates beautifully with modern pain science. Your relationship with yourself and others is directly relevant to chronic pain, because depression, fear and anxiety, social isolation, and feeling like a victim are all known risk factors for chronic pain. This is why I send my patients and readers to Haven to practice “the art of healing by growing up.” Continue reading Pain is an Opinion → With Living Alive Phase II coming up May 29–June 23, we enjoyed videoing this short conversation amongst its leaders Ernie and Cathy McNally and Bob Owen and Ruth Emerson. Register soon, and remember there’s an $800 discount for anyone taking the program for a second time! |
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